There are various projects, new actions and changes I would like to make in my life, my work, my daily routine. When I think about these aspirations, it always floors me how someone as accomplished and bright a being as I am, how absolutely deathly slow sometimes I can be to make change; to create a new habit. As I write this, I’m even questioning if really this is how I feel or is that just the pattern I’ve known……to be hard on myself when I don’t make things appear overnight. Instead, I have routines/habits that are habitual and take over when my motivation to create something new isn’t happening.
I know the value of living in the “now”, breath to breath, moment to moment. So how can a habit even exist? Well, it exists in my old way of being which was really just a way of DOING, not actually being. Now I see the difference. But even seeing the difference is not enough to overtake these habituations on a daily basis! So far, anyway.
So in my new way of BEING, I know that things will change when it is time. But then I question how I want something so much and yet saunter to my goal instead of run to it. I rationalize saying that having a family, a house, a business, a commercial property blah blah blah giving myself an excuse because I am busy. But you know what? Somehow, that doesn’t make me feel better about it. Excuses have always been to me, a big old pathetic blob of shit to step through that I create.
Specifically I want to create a new program room at work in order to run group sessions with clients. I have the room completely envisioned but have done very little in regards to action to make it happen. I even posted on my FB business page that the first program is “coming soon” in order to give myself less of a chance of not doing it. I laugh as I realize I’m playing games with myself.
So my question still remains about how habits are so strong, despite wanting to change them? I’m so full of questions for myself, being curious as per why I’m flirting with my ideas and goals rather than just making them happen. I know that in the past when I have gone as far as to be able to envision something, there is no further planning needed. It happens just exactly the way I saw it in my mind. And maybe my aspirations for change are not stronger than the habit is…….which let’s face it, can be better described as The Comfort Zone! For now, I’ll let the questions linger. I’m getting really good lately at being more patient with myself and not having to get to the answers. Yet there is a sense of urgency.
Does that mean I’m a moron…I mean oxymoron??